Snyder Than You

As I have gone through the last few years of spiritual struggle, looking at godlessness and Christianity and wondering what, I have always had this odd thought struggle. Part of me seems willing to agree with Atheism, but not wanting to, while I have these other thoughts. I want to research people who have gone from one to the other and especially any who may have gone from Christianity to Atheism and back. I want to find strong Christian refutation to Atheist arguments. And I have always had this project in the back of my mind of reading through several translations of the Bible and molding my own interpretation with hundreds and thousands of footnotes on translation, history, and theological interpretation.

The only thing I truly know right this moment (having done none of the above) is that the most satisfied and content I have ever been in my entire life was living in a 500-acre forest on the shore of Lake Huron cleaning bathrooms and selling books and clothes to campers, taking walks through untamed woods and talking to the air, feeling that there was a response and a purpose and a reality to the spiritual and to the deity that Atheists so vehemently disagree with.

I want that again. I have been looking for it for several years now, which has led to the doubt and the seeking and the conflict that none of my family or closer friends—all strong  Christians—know much about. This has to be answered on a personal, individual level, but how do I do that when I’m just struggling to get through each day?

Right now, I’m listening to a “worship” band called Sojourn and their song, “Lord, please don’t leave me” just finished. Seems appropriate.

Oxymoron. The single word that best describes me, top to bottom, front to back. And there are times I wish I would get away from that forever.

Oh, and one of the prompts for this blather? A quote on a friend’s Facebook profile.